[Title] fabulous disposition
[Byline] by sean robert
One feverish night at the gay bar, out of nowhere my best girl erupted at me “I am just your accessory!” and made a break for the washroom. “As if!” I gasped frantically following behind her. Using the harsh sounds of her stilettos as my guide, I traced her steps all the way down to the basement. And navigating my way through all the men in the women’s washroom, I found her.
Exasperated she shot at me, “You only use me for show! That’s it!” Thinking she was going to break in to a verse next from Carly Simon’s “You’re so vain,” I quickly thought about what could’ve triggered this attack. Maybe it was something someone slipped in her drink, or just the fact that I may have kind of ditched her at the first sight of a penis – but deep down inside of me, I knew that she was right.
Gay men use women as accessories all the time. Whether they call them wives, hags, or BFF’s there is definitely an element of show to every Will and Grace out there. But that is not to say it cannot, and does not work the other way around. I can recall several times in my life when I have been used by female friends as a gaymancessory. I have been taken out like a purse, twirled around like a scrunchy, and shone off like a pearl necklace. Allow me to explain.
Less than a month after I crossed over to the pink side, my not-so-close friend Claire called me out of the blue to go shopping with her. “Oh my god,” she said reeking of ulterior motives, “it’s so great that you’re gay now because I have been dying for someone to buy clothes with!” And so my life as a purse began. Strapped on like a cheap Gucci knockoff, I linked arms with an endless array of girls on their way to the mall. And like any bag, once they got tired of me they would try on something different at the next sign of a boy who swished.
As far as scrunchies are concerned, Carrie Bradshaw said it best when she exclaimed that a Manhattan girl would never be caught dead in public bearing the neon colours of the elastic accoutrement; this gaymancessory is largely used behind-the-scenes. Just like women use the material elastics to keep their hair together when it is a mess, they use metaphorical gay men scrunchies to keep their straight lives together when they fall apart.
They use metaphorical gay men scrunchies to keep the straight lives together when they fall apart.
I cannot tell you how many times I have received the late night phone call that goes “as a gay man, you of all people must know what it feels like to be alone.”
Last but most fabulously not least is the pearl necklace. Now I know what you’re thinking – but I am referring to the one that comes off one’s neck without a towel. That beloved necklace is only shown off on the most special of occasions: best friend’s weddings, graduations, family reunions and etc. Regardless of whether the rest of the party knows I wear my sunglasses at night, I have attended many an event as the pearly plus one of several of my single female friends. That said, always one to relish the spotlight, this detail is by far my favourite use.
Gaymencessories are everywhere. So next time you are accused of treating your girl like nothing more than an accessory, just remember all those trips to the mall, late-night phone calls, or countless weddings you were dragged to against your will. And then look at her, and smile.
Published: Outwords Inc. #155 September